How Can You Feel Better about Yourself? Practice Fierce Self-Kindness

Lifestyle / Mental Health / Self Love / Self-kindness

Struggling with a Loud Inner Critic

I’ve been thinking about how so many of the women I work with tell me they struggle with a loud inner critic that drags them down and hampers their ability to focus on the things that would actually improve their well-being. I can relate. You too?

My lovely client Clara shared with me about the struggle to learn to care for herself:
“Working with Robin was really great. She helped me see things in a different perspective. I’m trying to learn to do that as well for myself. I think about how to give myself grace in learning how to love myself. I think that has been one of the biggest things for me. Learning to be forgiving and compassionate towards myself and trying to make myself a priority has been a big shift for me.”

And another lovely woman I worked with, Susan, told me:
“If my body could talk it would have shouted at me to take time for myself and to not feel guilty.  This was a new concept for me.  I was not one to put myself first.  I had lots of guilt and I didn’t feel good about myself.”

The Practice of Fierce Kindness

One of the things can help counteract the negativity of our loud inner critic is the practice of fierce self-kindness. And yes, this is a very important component of the practice of mindful self-compassion. [1]

I came across this description of fierce kindness on the website of Emma-Louise Elsey, a life and business coach I follow. [2]

She defines fierce kindness as being our own unconditionally nurturing parent, best friend and wise counsel—all rolled into one. Emma goes on to say that for her fierce kindness reminds her of the image of the lion Aslan in the Narnia book series by C. S. Lewis. I love that image so much.

What image comes to mind for you when you think about fierce kindness?

It could be a Greek goddess like Hestia, the goddess of hearth and home who was known for her compassion and kindness. Perhaps a person like Mother Teresa or the Dalai Lama comes to mind. Or, maybe an animal spirit calls to you. Elephants are very social creatures and are known for their empathy. Deer symbolize love, gentleness, kindness, gracefulness and sensitivity

Take some time to reflect and meditate on the wise, fiercely kind images that come to your mind. Fierce kindness is both a way of looking at the world and a way of creating and inner ally that helps you cope with anything in life.

Emma goes on to say that, “Fierce kindness isn’t soft and mushy, but it never bullies you either. It’s never bitter, it doesn’t blame and it doesn’t feel self-pity – although it’s excellent at empathizing when you feel those things. Fierce kindness looks at the big picture, the long term, your values and goals as well as taking into account how you are doing. It is strong, wise and compassionate.

Here are some examples from Emma of Fierce Kindness in action:
1. Your inner critic starts on you: Fierce Kindness says, “You again? Back off or you’ll have ME to deal with!”
2. You’re struggling to focus and get something done: Fierce Kindness says, “I know you would rather be somewhere else right now, so make a choice and either do it – or don’t do it!”
3. You’re afraid of doing something: Fierce Kindness says, “I’m here for you. You know what you need to do – and I know you can handle it!”
4. You’re feeling depressed, exhausted or hating yourself: Fierce Kindness says, “It’s OK sweetheart. I know it’s crappy but this will pass. You’re awesome and I love you. {HUG}.”
5. You’re about to skip out on your yoga class for the 3rd time: Fierce Kindness might say, “This is the 3rd time – go and keep your commitment to yourself – but I know you’re tired so why not go to the beginner’s class to make it a bit easier?” And yet Fierce Kindness is just as likely to say: “I know this is the 3rd time you’ve skipped out on your yoga class, but you’re exhausted. Stay home, have a hot bath and an early night – and NO TV. It’s bed for you!”

Do you relate to any of these scenarios? I especially like the acknowledgement of support in the scenario in #3. Choose one or two statements to practice saying to yourself and then notice how you feel.

After working with me for several months my dear client Regine had this to say about overcoming the inner negativity that often accompanies fibromyalgia:
“When I was asked what changed for me when I had the additional support of working with you as my coach, something came to me that I want you to know: I felt no longer ashamed for having fibro and for being ill. I have felt so much shame but not anymore. Thank you, Robin!”And Susan, mentioned above, shared with me:
“Throughout the process of our working together I learned the value of practicing self-care and self-compassion.  Working on myself in coaching has been an enormous help to me both physically and mentally.  I’m on my way to feeling better and to be the best person I can be.”

Do you find that you are often buffeted about by inner criticisms? It can help to realize that the internal critical part of us is also trying to protect us. Try befriending that critical part of yourself by acknowledging what your inner critic has to say in dialogue with that fierce inner kindness that you are also cultivating.

And if you are wondering if learning to practice fierce self-kindness by working with a coach like me could give you similar results as the women I’ve quoted it is easy to schedule a FREE Breakthrough Session HERE.

We’ll discuss your journey with fibromyalgia, what has worked and what hasn’t worked for you and explore if coaching could help you take back control of your health.

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