You Can Tame Your Harsh Inner Critic
The Harsh Inner Critic
In my work as a health coach for women with fibromyalgia and other chronic conditions the women I work with often tell me that they are their own worst critic. Is this true for you as well?
Now, take a moment to be curious and to access the voice of your inner critic. Is it harsh and loud, is it quiet and complaining? What motivates your inner critic? What is her goal? What does she say to you?
The development of the inner critic is related to the natural negativity bias of the brain which is designed to keep us safe from harm and keep us motivated to achieve our goals and take care of ourselves. Our brain is constantly scanning for threats to our safety and well-being.
Our inner critic can often use a loud, harsh or exasperated tone in speaking to ourselves when we feel bad about something, saying things like, “What is wrong with you? Why didn’t you perform better? You’re hopeless. You’re useless.” Ouch.
How does your inner critic speak to you? Are there key phrases you repeat over and over? Does this voice remind you of anyone from your past?
The inner critic may be trying to motivate us to take corrective action but these hurtful, harsh statements can cause us to feel scared, hopeless and humiliated, ultimately undermining our ability to think clearly and to take helpful actions. This harsh self-criticism actually undermines our motivation.
Three Pillars of Mindful Self-Compassion
We are not going to try to get rid of our inner critic, but to be curious and explore how to befriend our inner critic and learn to tame and break free of that negativity bias through the 3 pillars of mindful self-compassion which are mindfulness, our common humanity and self-kindness.
We can feel confident in this endeavor because there are over 8000 research studies of mindful self-compassion as taught by Drs. Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer that link mindful self-compassion with greater life satisfaction, well- being and physical health [1].
We can learn how to be mindfully self-compassionate through loving connected presence. One study found that as little as 20 seconds per day yielded significant results! We can manage 20 seconds a day, right? LOL!
We can use the three pillars of mindful self-compassion to show up for ourselves in a gentler, kinder way.
Mindfulness Provides the Space
Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment, being aware and accepting of what it is. It allows us to be with painful feelings as they are in a delicate balance avoiding the extremes of suppressing our feelings or allowing them to run away with us, neither diminishing or exaggerating what is.
We can choose to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity as they are so that we are not swept away by that negative inner voice.
I was introduced to the concept of mindful self-compassion at a CE class on wellness and I didn’t think much more about it until several days later when I was ruminating over something I was upset about and a small, quiet voice entered my consciousness and said so gently to me, “This is a moment of suffering.”
I was so stunned. I stopped what I was doing and just reflected on what had just happened. I practiced being mindful in that moment.
This concept that I could treat myself with mindful self-compassion when I was feeling bad had lodged itself in my consciousness and was now fully onboard for me to explore.
I knew right then and there that this concept of self-compassion was powerful and I have been using it for myself and the women I work with ever since. I have found it to be a profound and very effective way to support a mindset shift to acceptance of what it is.
Our Common Humanity Provides Connection to Others
Our common humanity refers to the reality that all of life is imperfect and that everyone suffers, at different levels and through different types of suffering. Sometimes, especially when dealing with chronic illness, we become isolated and we can get caught up in feeling as if “I” am the only one suffering and no one, anywhere, understands how bad I feel. I’ve been there, have you too?
Being flawed and imperfect is the common human condition. All suffering is not the same, but all human suffering is worthy of compassion. We are not alone, we are not isolated, we share our common humanity. We only have to look around to see that we all suffer at times and we all struggle to come to terms with that suffering, but we have a choice in how we respond.
Self-kindness Provides the Warmth
Self-kindness provides warmth and is treating ourselves the way we would treat a close friend. Think for a moment about how you would respond to a friend who was discouraged and feeling badly about herself. Would you light into her with harsh criticism and blame? No, of course not.
You would offer your friend kin, attentive warmth and care, holding space with deep listening and concern from a desire to alleviate suffering.
We know how to support a friend who is distressed and struggling. We have a template for that. Most people are more supportive of their friends than they are to themselves. We already know how to be compassionate with our friends we just need to shift that kindness to ourselves.
How do You Show Up for Yourself?
Dr. Kristin Neff shares this example: suppose you have just stress eaten half a bag of oreos and your inner critic is so frustrated with you and says something like “Ugh, you’re so disgusting, you make me sick!”
What to do? You can sink into a pit of bitter remorse or you can make an active effort to soften this harsh critical voice with warm compassion rather than self- judgment.
You could say to your inner critic something like, “I know you are worried about me and feel unsafe but you are not helping, you are causing me unnecessary pain. Could you let my inner compassionate voice say a few words now?”
It can be helpful to use a term of endearment when talking to yourself if it feels right. You could say to yourself, “Dear heart, I know you ate that bag of cookies because you’re feeling really sad and stressed right now and you thought it would cheer you up.
But now, you feel even worse and you’re feeling yucky in your body. This happens, everyone has times when they don’t make the best choice. I’m here for you. What do you need right now? What do you need to hear? I want you to be happy so why don’t we take a long walk so your feel better?”
You can also offer yourself physical gestures of caring like stroking your arm or placing your hands on you heart demonstrating your kindness to yourself.
Sometimes our words and gestures of self-kindness will be tender and nurturing, like a mama bear caring for her cub. Other times our self-kindness will look more fierce, like taking action, drawing hard boundaries, like a mama bear standing up roaring to protect her cub from predators. Both are necessary components of self-kindness.
You can think of mindful self-compassion as inner strength training, that creates a fertile ground for problem solving and change. We give ourselves compassion not to make the pain go away but because we feel bad and we hurt. We allow ourselves to accept the messiness of being an imperfect human being.
When we acknowledge the reality of our suffering in the moment with care and warmth, we are in a better position to make good choices for our well-being.
Take the Next Step
Could you use some help with this? I work with all my clients on developing the skills of mindful self-compassion because it is such an important skill set to have in our toolbox for managing fibromyalgia well. I’d love for you to have access to these strategies as well.
It’s easy to schedule a time to have a Free consultation with me to see if we would be a good fit to work together HERE.
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